Some weeks ago I wasn’t feeling too good. I was tired, couldn’t concentrate, had massive headaches and felt nauseous most days. When complaints like that last for more than just a few days, I like to see my doctor and see if we can exclude physical causes. I have the most lovely doctor who knows about factors in my life that can influence my health, like the non-monogamous lifestyle (although I am always very careful, STD’s are a realistic risk), barefoot walking in the forest (oh, the ticks), eating almost vegan and also about my break up.
As we both expected, my body is super healthy. No vitamin deficits. No diseases. No inflammations of any kinds. So probably the complaints were caused by emotional reasons. Stress. In a post breakup era that isn’t strange I guess. Including three young kids and letting go of all financial and other kinds of stability in my life, I could maybe have expected it.
What can I do today?
Simply knowing my body was responding to the experiences my emotional body was having, changed things. It felt easier to take it a notch slower. To plan my days and not trying to do it all RIGHT NOW. I started asking myself: “What can I do today that will make a positive impact on my life, whether it is emotional, financial, spiritual or physical?”
I started running again, but this time without clear goals or aims, just going as far and as fast I wanted to go (and somehow ending up running further and faster than before, done an effortless 7,5k – yay!). I started spending less time fluffing around on facebook and internet, feeling how that actually drains me. I realised that having a few very clear goals for a day gives me direction and inspiration, as well as that it leaves space for spontaneous ideas that I just have to carry out instantly.
Somehow, this process opened a new layer of self acceptance. Although I’m massively inspired by other women in the field where I operate, I don’t feel intimidated by them anymore (which, in the end essentially is my own fear of not being good enough). I love my own flavor and see how it adds to the spectrum. And by not wanting to change it, I have opened floodgates to inspiration, action and joy, as well as am I attracting people who support me on my path. Suddenly there is a space for individual sessions. Suddenly my website is getting all the tweaks I hoped for.
Let your fear guide you, not haunt you
“Being afraid is a very human thing”, said the coach in a session my doctor offered me for free, to see if I could benefit from some help. By the time of our session my physical complaints had disappeared magically, but I was curious whether she could give me some advice on how to take even better care. I told her about my process and she just smiled. By the time i told her that I still did experience fear considering making it business-wise, her smile became even broader. “If you hadn’t said that I would have pulled you by your feet out of the clouds.” It doesn’t matter how developed we are, how much we have dealt with our pain and sat with our little inner children. It is such a human thing to experience fear.
I guess, the magic is in how you deal with fear. Whether you let it freeze you and make you small again, or whether you can smile at it and really embrace it, without wanting it to actually disappear (which would be resistance!). To let your fear be a guide too, towards sometimes really tiny corners of your being and soul that need more nourishment.
If you take some time with fear, you might discover a deeper longing. Maybe there’s a desire that you believe you are not worthy, or not capable of. And maybe the fear is realistic. But does that mean you should run away from this point in life where you are, back to somewhere safe?
I have asked myself that many times over the last months. And my answer is NO. I allow fear to make me aware of possible risks I am taking, and than still go, while lovingly embracing parts of me that shiver. I take them by the hand while patting their heads and stroking their hair. ‘We’re in this together and I am going to take good care. But I am going.’
Because, what if I am old and grey, and look back at my life, and all I see is that I took the safe path, carefully steering away from fear – but also from the most exciting opportunities in my life?
Just practicing this simple little exercise over and over again, has already brought me to amazing places. Yes, my heart breaks from fear, but it’s breaking open wider, allowing not just fear to move through, but also love, bliss and utter amazement by the sheer beauty of life.