What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

Once we thought we would stay together for life. And in a way, we will, since we have three daughters. But not in a romantic relationship. About twelve months ago we broke up. It felt like facing my deepest fears. It felt like dying. And maybe I did in a way, as the last year transformed me completely. No more happily ever after We were so convinced we were going to make it through life together. Even though I got pregnant only months after we met, we hardly had any money, and I didn’t finish studying. I never had a long-term relationship before. I never was pregnant before. It all felt so new. He was my rock to depend on.…

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I’m so Tired of Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men (video)

Tired of Attracting Emotional Unavailable Men

Originally posted on Elephant Journal. Dear Lover, Or should I say former lover? Ex-lover? I thought that when I let go of you, I was letting go of love: Of that luscious feeling of being held in a warm blanket of never-ending cuddles and soft, smooching kisses, of butterflies, and feeling as blissful as I did looking into your eyes. But you know what happened? It feels like I lifted those rose-tinted glasses from my eyes and see the world more like it is: You and me as the people who we are in this moment—and not the fantasy I had of who we could be together. It happens, right? That when two people meet they only see the beauty in each other.…

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Dear Lover (Letter to my Beloved)

Dear Lover

Dear Lover, Please allow me to bare my naked soul for you – once again. As we dive deep into this connection of body, mind and all that comes with it, it’s easy to get lost in projections and ideas. Assuming that we both want the same – but do we? When words are unspoken and unwritten, we can believe we know what’s going around in each other’s heads as if we were one. But we are not, and I hope we never will be. Because I would love to get lost with you, though never want to lose myself in you. See, I don’t need that prince who comes to save me. I don’t want that King who caresses…

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Let There Be Spaces in Your Togetherness

Togetherness

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of heaven dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but each one of you be alone – even as the strings of a lute are alone though the quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not in each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together:…

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How Many of Your Friends Did You See – Naked?

Naked

Naked. Think about it: How many of your dearest friends have seen you naked? Of how many of your closest friends to you know if they have a soft skin? Or moles on their bellies, or freckles of their shoulders? How many of your closest family members have you seen naked? Do you know the shape of their breasts, or where they have hair? Have you ever seen their scars? Do you even know how they really feel about their bodies? Have you ever held them really close? Have you ever been held by them really close? I’m glowing right now. The afterglow of an evening with three friends, where we massaged each other. Six hands on one body. Naked.…

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We Cannot Gain or Loose Anything From Others

Often we are as afraid to let someone in close, as to let someone go. I guess neither have to do anything with the other person. There’s both a longing and a fear of feeling deeply – of being touched deeply. But in essence, there is nothing we can ever gain or loose through connecting with another person. The only thing ‘real’ in life is our experience. The movie created that we perceive through our senses. But everything we perceive, we experience *inside* us. There’s no external experience. Think about it: when you see, touch, hear or smell something, where do you exactly experience it? And so other people are mirrors. Reminders. They remind us of what we long for,…

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The emotional and spiritual benefits of deepthroating

Deepthroating

She looked up at the man standing in front of her. His eyes were filled with predator-like desire. She allowed her eyes to linger over his bare chest, following the trail of dark hairs from his belly button into his jeans. With a strong hand under her chin he lifted her head, locked her eyes with his gaze. Without losing eye-contact, he slowly unbuttoned his fly with his other hand. She could feel the heat coming from his groins, as she sat on her knees only centimeters away from his cock. He lowered his pants slowly until his cock sprung out, touching her lips. “Open your mouth”, he said. She licked her lips, lubricating her mouth as she was well…

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Can I be polyamorous and single?

Polyamorous and single

Of course you can. Or at least that’s my opinion. Probably there will be bunches of people no agreeing with me there. And there are many nuances probably. To be able to answer this question for yourself in more than four words, you would have to figure out what polyamory is for you. Is polyamory a sexual orientation? If polyamory is a sexual orientation, just as being gay is considered a sexual orientation, than yes, you can say you are polyamorous, no matter what your relationship status is. Whether you are single, have one lover or a whole harem, you will always be polyamorous. Is polyamory a relationship form? To me, this approach is completely valid, especially if you feel…

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Ending a long-term relationship – 30 days later

Ending a long term relationship – 30 days later

Today it is exactly one month ago that my partner and I decided to break up. We were in a temporary break for two months, after a relationship of almost nine years, including three kids. As the relationship wasn’t serving either of us anymore, we decided to break up. A delicate process of unraveling a lot of patterns, dependencies, projections and assumptions. And not just between my now ex-partner and I, but also between the outer world and I. Patterns in reactions I guess a similar thing happens in all major events in a human life. When a baby is born, when someone has a cold or when a relative dies, we always ask the same questions, or come up…

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Did polyamory kill my relationship?

Did polyamory kill my relationship?

We were the perfect open-relationship-couple for years, being featured on television shows, in magazines and interviews. We proclaimed that jealousy is a teacher on the way, that fear is nothing to be afraid of and that the more people we love, the more love flows. We broke up. And now questions are formed that can be summarized in this question: is this break up proof that non-monogamy doesn’t work? No. I ask you: does a divorce mean that marriage doesn’t work? No. Of course not. The single reason for this break up is that this relationship was doomed from the beginning. Alternative lifestyle shaming When people are living an alternative lifestyle, it’s easy to blame everything that goes wrong on…

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