The path of personal growth is amazing. I’ve learned everything is in me. My fears, my insecurities, my so-perceived problems and the responsibility to choose. Do I hide them? Stuff them in a box and put them away somewhere in my system to sit there and bother me for the rest of my days? Or do I face them? Let them kick in full force, feel the emotions, listen to the message… and let go?
Over and over I choose the second option (after I chose the first option with some issues for almost 30 years now). It feels like I’m an onion. I peel off layer after layer and get closer to my core being. To my soul. To my true self. Towards enlightenment or any other name this place of inner peace could get.
Sometimes I’m there for a little while. I understand the meaning of life and everything. I understand why I’m here and what I can do to help other people. To do my part of this big whole everything that makes up this experience we live.
More consciousness = more sensitivity
One thing I didn’t take into account is that with every layer I peel off of me, I become more and more sensitive. In my previous article I wrote about being a high sensitive person. By following this path of inner growth I feel like I’m hyper sensitive now, and I wonder what comes next.
All those tears!
In my process of growth and dealing with all those fears and insecurities, I came to realize that each layer I experienced was more intense than the previous one. On the one hand I know quite well how these processes work. I stumble upon a new layer of some issue. For example the fear of not being seen. A while ago, I would feel emotions, cry a little, wonder why I felt rejected when my partner told someone about some new idea he had, cry more, close off and realize after long talks and me blaming him for ignoring my initial thought that created his idea, that I felt unseen. Now I immediately realize it’s my fear of not being seen, but I’ll feel an emotional outburst like never before.
I used to be pretty stable with my three young kids around, asking me something every minute. I would just answer and continue with what I was doing. Right now I can take much less. I feel disturbed, tired or create a headache. I know it’s not them, not much changed on their part.
Eventually I started to realize that all these processes of inner growth made me lose many shields, walls and other layers of protection. Which makes me a lot more authentic, a lot more like the real me… but also a heck of a lot more sensitive.
A new balance
There used to be a balance in a state where I had more shields between me and the outer world. By losing more and more shields, I grow as a person. As a side effect, I became way more sensitive.
And lost balance.
I’m learning that in order to create a new equilibrium, I need to take more care of myself than ever before. I need to refuel a lot. I need heaps of me-time. I need to discover new ways of getting energy from things I like. The old things don’t work no more. Some things I can adapt. For example, I played French horn for years and years, and I love music. Lately, many synchronicities brought new instruments and more music into my life. Making music gives me heaps of energy, I love it! I’m pretty much an autodidact when it comes to learn to play instruments, and I like playing intuitively (although I can read sheet music fluently). Right now, I enjoy playing French horn, accordion, didgeridoo, several kinds of flutes, djembe and I sing a lot too.
Practicing new skills makes me happy. I used to type using only two fingers. I’m very fast typing according to this method, but it doesn’t do much good for my posture (or the keyboard, since I hit the keys pretty roughly). So I’m learning to type using all ten fingers. I also taught myself making dream catchers and I’m trying new painting techniques and styles too.
Acknowledging my needs
I learn to acknowledge my needs, instead of ignoring them and pushing myself through. When the kids demand more than I can give, I’ll ask my partner to look after them for a while and go for a walk or lock myself up in our little working space and work on a project that I really like. I might even snuggle up with my favorite pillows and stuffed animals and read a book 🙂
What are the benefits of being even more sensitive?
I’m still in the process of discovering those. So far I’ve realized that I can deal with emotional processes more quickly. I also realize I feel more aware of how this world works. How so many people are stuck in a life of expectations of others, projections and assumptions, scarcity and negativity. While life is supposed to be an amazing process of growth that we can enjoy each day. My intuition grows stronger. I’m more aware of energy flows between people. I feel which person feels ‘something’ for another person. Or the contrary. It’s fascinating! I feel like I’m exploring a whole new dimension of consciousness.
Becoming more sensitive is very challenging. It demands a lot of energy and high levels of self-care and self-awareness. It’s a phase of defining new needs and ways of gaining energy in order to maintain a new balance. There will be times where you won’t manage to take care of yourself, but you will learn.