What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

Once we thought we would stay together for life. And in a way, we will, since we have three daughters. But not in a romantic relationship. About twelve months ago we broke up. It felt like facing my deepest fears. It felt like dying. And maybe I did in a way, as the last year transformed me completely. No more happily ever after We were so convinced we were going to make it through life together. Even though I got pregnant only months after we met, we hardly had any money, and I didn’t finish studying. I never had a long-term relationship before. I never was pregnant before. It all felt so new. He was my rock to depend on. …

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(Video) I’m so Tired of Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

Tired of Attracting Emotional Unavailable Men

Originally posted on Elephant Journal. Dear Lover, Or should I say former lover? Ex-lover? I thought that when I let go of you, I was letting go of love: Of that luscious feeling of being held in a warm blanket of never-ending cuddles and soft, smooching kisses, of butterflies, and feeling as blissful as I did looking into your eyes. But you know what happened? It feels like I lifted those rose-tinted glasses from my eyes and see the world more like it is: You and me as the people who we are in this moment—and not the fantasy I had of who we could be together. It happens, right? That when two people meet they only see the beauty in each other. …

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(Poem #19) Today I Choose

today I choose to live

Today I choose to bow my head from respect instead of ignorance, as I acknowledge all that is happening as an opportunity for growth, even if it’s unpleasant. Today I choose pain over suffering, as it is my choice to hold on to whatever hurts me – or to feel and let go. Today I choose to dance and sing, as it frees me more than it scares me. Today I choose to be gentle and soft with myself, as I realize it’s my responsibility to take care of me. Today I choose courage over fear, as walking the unknown path is more exciting than sitting still in a safe haven. Today I choose love over hate, as opening my …

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Unlocking Your Potential

Unlocking Your Potential

Two and a half day of a clear schedule. No kids, no sessions, no workshops, but for me in my little refuge to work on creative new ideas I had. A rarity and I was looking forward to it a lot. I made myself a cup of tea, grabbed all my colored pens and a large white sheet of paper, sat down, and nothing happened. Well, some things did happen: my body felt a bit tensed. My shoulders hunched, and my mind was both pushing me start ‘being productive’ as well as trying to find any possible distraction. Automatically I grabbed my phone, as an almost unconscious voice in my head told me my friend might have sent me that …

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(Poem #18) You There in the Mirror

You there in the mirror

Hey you, you there in the mirror, Reflecting me in all my facets. Sparkling painfully bright, Hurting my eyes And my heart. And yes, it cracks further open Allowing more light But casting darker shadows I didn’t see before. Hey you, you there in the mirror, My own reflection Or your own person reminding me Of all the flaws and perfection But most of all: The courage that it takes to be alive This neverending alchemistic process Of turning anything into gold. It’s true. Everything can turn into gold, and gold can turn into anything. Let’s celebrate the pain and the joy The bliss and despair But most of all acknowledge that courage To take another step, To tumble down …

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Dear Lover (Letter to my Beloved)

Dear Lover

Dear Lover, Please allow me to bare my naked soul for you – once again. As we dive deep into this connection of body, mind and all that comes with it, it’s easy to get lost in projections and ideas. Assuming that we both want the same – but do we? When words are unspoken and unwritten, we can believe we know what’s going around in each other’s heads as if we were one. But we are not, and I hope we never will be. Because I would love to get lost with you, though never want to lose myself in you. See, I don’t need that prince who comes to save me. I don’t want that King who caresses …

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How Many of Your Friends Did You See – Naked?

Naked

Naked. Think about it: How many of your dearest friends have seen you naked? Of how many of your closest friends to you know if they have a soft skin? Or moles on their bellies, or freckles of their shoulders? How many of your closest family members have you seen naked? Do you know the shape of their breasts, or where they have hair? Have you ever seen their scars? Do you even know how they really feel about their bodies? Have you ever held them really close? Have you ever been held by them really close? I’m glowing right now. The afterglow of an evening with three friends, where we massaged each other. Six hands on one body. Naked. …

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We Cannot Gain or Loose Anything From Others

Often we are as afraid to let someone in close, as to let someone go. I guess neither have to do anything with the other person. There’s both a longing and a fear of feeling deeply – of being touched deeply. But in essence, there is nothing we can ever gain or loose through connecting with another person. The only thing ‘real’ in life is our experience. The movie created that we perceive through our senses. But everything we perceive, we experience *inside* us. There’s no external experience. Think about it: when you see, touch, hear or smell something, where do you exactly experience it? And so other people are mirrors. Reminders. They remind us of what we long for, …

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Kambo – My Journey with the Frog (part 2)

Kambo frog

You can read about my First Journey with the Frog in this article. The longing to travel again with Kambo resided lingering in the back of my mind. But my horse died, my business asked a lot and there was a lot in general to deal with. Until two friends I have known for years and who had been involved in shamanic ceremonies for ages, invited me for a Kambo ceremony at their place. At cycling distance from my little house in the forest. On a sunny Sunday where my agenda was wide open and empty. Spontaneously I decided to join. The thing with entheogens like Kambo or Ayahuasca is that you always get what you need, not necessarily what …

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Kambo – My Journey with the Frog (part 1)

Kambo frog

My first encounter with Kambo was some months ago. I was having dark days. It was a time of big changes and I felt the call to cleanse my body and soul with more than lemon water and meditation. The relationship I had with the father of my kids ended after nine years. Connections I had with other men disappeared one by one – the cleansing apparently started there already. My focus shifted from a focus on social interactions to finding a new balance as a single mother and upgrading my business. And processing all the things that happened. What does a shaman look like? I was expecting an older, tanned man with black hair. Speaking some kind of Spanish …

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